‘Torchered’ Spellings Aside, Do You Read Craigslist with a Straight Face?

What’s this about? “I'm driven out of work and ‘torchered’ daily.” Oye. Forget the tortured spelling. Is this person speaking metaphorically or clinically?

And when someone waxes on about what “mite” have been, are they talking about a missed connection, or some nasty little insect that burrows and breeds in your dog’s ear to the point that it becomes a major veterinary problem?

Patch wants the “what r u doing 2nite” world to eschew digital shorthand and learn to spell, too, but this self-righteous, punctuation-abusing and possibly bigoted self-proclaimed grammar god needs to dial it back.

Was it really necessarily to waste 35 exclamation points on that drivel? A person only gets so many when learning to write and they are intended to last a lifetime, so it’s best not to use them all at once, especially on something this insulting.

Now, this is worthy of an exclamation point, because it's meant to convey strong emotion: Stop picking on people with developmental disabilities! It’s not funny. Please note that only one exclamation point was necessary.

Speaking of rants:  Please wear shoes. “Bloated, crusted, gangly, hammer-toed feet at the grocery store” cancel out any desire shopper had to buy food. Besides, you’ll never be able to catch the mugger who stole your purse in flip-flops.

Still confused about what fiscal cliff really means? Ignorance loves company.

There is so much more where that came from.

Are pens and paper completely out of vogue now? What do you mean you couldn’t get her information because you didn’t have a phone? That’s lame, dude.

Do you really want to go there again?

Liar, liar, pants on fire. And this person doesn’t look all that good, either.

And she clearly has issues. Sometimes, things just don’t work out. Why be bitter? It makes you – to borrow from the playbook here – ugly.

This seems to be a genuine missed connection without a lot of drama – which makes it an anomaly on Craigslist. Savor it.

Around the Patches

In Ankeny, the neighborhood watch seems to be in high gear. High gear. And there’s a little somethin’-somethin’ going on while folks are hijacking free wi-fi.

In Waukee, a woman can’t serve a drink without getting a come-on. Whether that’s a bad thing depends upon your point of view.

In Johnston, there’s a lot of checking each other out, but not a lot of action. Anywhere.

In West Des Moines, he had hot blood running through his veins. Also, the trash was a ruse.

From Urbandale, a painful, excruciating read. Settle in. This will take you a while. And then you might have to purge something.

If that isn’t enough angst for you, read this, then color outside the lines.

And now, a question for all you women in the ‘burbs: Do you like to be called “Babe,” or has that forever been tarnished by that pig in the city?

No. No you’re not. You’re in the same solar system. He or she just doesn’t care.

is there one in a million chance for this guy? Nope, she ain’t gonna do it, wouldn’t be prudent.

Some advice: Darlin’, don’t fall for it. He just wanted – well, you know what he wanted.

And as for you, missy, are you trying to buy a stallion or get a man? The agricultural metaphors are confusing.

Some philosophy: White is black, good is bad, and no one knows.

Craigslist, the musical: Now it’s stuck in your head, too.